Baptism

 I was praying one day and asked the Lord to show me anyone I needed to forgive. This is a prayer we should ask the Lord everyday because not forgiving is poison to our souls. But if I'm honest, I don't pray this prayer everyday like I should; sometimes I falsely believe I don't harbor unforgiveness, other times I simply don't want to forgive. But the Lord is always faithful if we ask and we wait on Him to show us. And this particular day I was humble before Him knowing that if I said I had no sin I deceived myself and the truth was not in me and I was ready to confess my sin and let His faithfulness to forgive me and cleanse me of all unrighteousness. I was surprised by what the Lord revealed to me, I had not forgiven myself for getting divorced. I had stood before the Lord and men and made promises I did not keep. I was divorced 17 years ago, how could I still be harboring unforgiveness towards myself for this? Haven't I been over and over this? I've asked for forgiveness a million times over it seems and I know the Lord has forgiven me, why is this coming up now? I haven't even consciously thought about it in ages. But I suddenly had a vision of myself being baptized, going under a sinner and coming up washed clean by Jesus' death and resurrection. And I started thinking about that, baptism.

  When I was 6 or 7 we were in church in Albert Lea, we met at the YMCA there and the Pastor said anyone that wanted to be baptized could be after church. I told my parents I wanted to be baptized. I remember being in the water with the Pastor with lots of people standing around the pool, their legs. That's what I saw because it wasn't about who was there, who they were, who the pastor was. It was about the water, I remember the water shimmering. It was about a calling I didn't understand but obeyed. I remember coming up out of the water feeling complete. And then my parents took me to my aunts house to dry my clothes and then we were off to the zoo. I don't remember the zoo at all. But I remember that my parents had plans to go to the zoo and they delayed those plans because I wanted to be baptized. They took my request seriously. They didn't for a moment think I was just a child that wanted to get in the pool. 

  But later in life I was just a stupid kid following the crowd and getting in the pool. As a teenager, 18 I believe I was, my parents sent me and my best friend Marcy to Christ for the Nations conference in Texas. They had a night where they called anyone that wanted to be baptized to do so in the pool. By this time in my life I was very casual about my relationship with the Lord. I talked to Him when I was in crisis but pretty much just did whatever I wanted to do. And when everyone else was getting baptized, I was baptized too. I may have been sincere in the moment but when I returned home to the world I had left, I was not concerned about following the Lord. It wasn't long after I was married at age 21 that I began doubting Jesus was the only way and started looking into other religions, cultures and beliefs. I stepped so far off the path the Lord wanted me to walk upon, it would only take His miraculous power and pull to get me back on it. That didn't come until after I was remarried and in my late 30's. 

  So here I am 45 and the Lord is showing me I harbor unforgiveness for myself for things He has forgiven me for. So I forgive myself because this is just dumb, holding things against myself that God has forgiven me for. Agreeing with the enemy who keeps bringing up my dirt to make me feel guilty. No! To hell with you devil and all your demons, I'm not listening to your lies any more. I'm forgiven by the grace of Jesus. Not because I deserve it, because of love. 

For God did not send his Son to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. John 3:17. 

  So I had a vision of myself being baptized and felt this was the Lord showing me it is time to be baptized again. With a pure heart of love for Jesus and what His death and resurrection mean... eternal life for those who believe. This is my public witness. To proclaim Jesus as the way, the truth and the life. That I go to the Father through Jesus. That I am committed to following Jesus, to putting God first and to loving my neighbors as myself. To shine His light in this dark world. 
  Don't think I didn't have my doubts. This vision came to me in early April and my baptism is scheduled for June 23, there's a gap there, not just because it was still snowing in April and I wanted to be baptized in my parents pond. There's this selfishness in me that wants to do its own thing, that doesn't want to commit everything to the Lord. And what if I am baptized again for the 3rd time and I fail to follow Jesus fully. Duh, that's why I need a Savior because I will fail, but Jesus redeems!
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24