When I was 13 I did something stupid. Hard to believe, I know, at 13 I was so wise, ha! An older friend of mine had shown me a way to get a head rush. I was always willing to try something new so of course I was game. You put your head between your knees and breathe deep for a few minutes, then quickly put your head back and press on the jugular veins until you see stars and sometimes lose consciousness briefly. Stupid. But I thought it was a cool thing to do and one day a friend of mine and I were in the locker room at school and decided a metal and concrete box was the perfect place, no one was around. We thought we were being smart about it because we spotted each other, that way we could catch each other if we did lose consciousness, we were being responsible in our stupidity. I went first, I lost consciousness, I came to with a bloody mouth and half a front tooth missing. My friend told me I fell away from her and smacked my face, tooth first into the concrete wall. Please do not try this at home, at school or anywhere!
I couldn't tell my parents the truth, that I was a complete idiot, so I told them I tripped in the locker room and fell into the wall. So that was my story and I was sticking to it; only my close friends and God knew the truth. My mom took me right to the dentist's office where he put a "temporary" cap on my tooth, telling me it would need to be replaced with a crown someday. That was in 1986.
On Sunday August 18th, 2013 after church while I was eating a vegetable wrap, my 23 year old "temporary" cap fell off my tooth. I spit it and my food out onto my plate and dumped it in the garbage as I ran my tongue over the jagged backside of my front right tooth. I was surprised by how little tooth there was on the back side, it was broken close to the gum line. The front side had more tooth. I went to the mirror to see. It was ugly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I knew the next day was a workday I could miss so I decided I would walk in to the dentist office and show them how desperately I needed immediate help.
That afternoon I received a call from my cousin Lisa asking if I could come over one day to help her paint. I told her I would love to, the only day we could get together was Wednesday and I told her it would be no problem unless that was the day the dentist could get me in, then I would need to do that and I told her about my tooth and that getting it fixed was my top priority. She understood completely. Of course she did, she is sensitive to others needs like that. But was I?
Later that evening we ran into a friend and I told her my plan to go to the dentist in the morning and she said she spent over $2000 getting a broken tooth fixed. That was a shocker. We'd been living paycheck to paycheck with little extra here and there. I knew we could barely scrape together $200 let alone $2,000 but I figured, this had to be done and we would figure it out later, make payments or something.
Monday morning I was up early, around 6am, I had a couple of hours to wait for the dentist office to open, so I finally brought my concerns to the Lord. As I prayed for the Lord to guide me to the right fix for my tooth and for the finances needed to pay for the fix, I praised Him and thanked Him for His answered prayers and then this popped into my head... "don't go to the dentist". Why would I think that?
I believe our thoughts come from one of three sources; our flesh, Holy Spirit or the enemy. Let me explain. You know those "gut feelings", those "intuitive" thoughts you have, the ones that are always right? Those thoughts/feelings come from Holy Spirit. His still small voice (1 Kings 19:12) He is the Spirit of the Creator, God. The Spirit of Jesus, our Savior. He is always trying to keep us on the right path, the one He created us to follow. But God gave us free will and flesh bodies so we have our own thoughts and feelings. God the Father also gave the angels this freewill to choose, the devil and his demons were once angels in heaven who rebelled against God, choosing to hate God, they hate everything God loves and so they hate humans. They whisper in our ears lies to get us out of the will of the Lord. Those thoughts you have like, you're ugly, you're not worthy, you're a loser, nobody cares about you, you're alone. Those are all workings of the devil as Jesus said in John 10:10 the thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and that they may have it more abundantly. (NKJV)
This thought "don't go to the dentist" was jarring to me. It could not be my own thought. Was that the enemy? Of course I was hoping it was the enemy because then I didn't have to listen. I wanted to go to the dentist and get this ugly jagged, broken tooth fixed, if the enemy didn't want me to go to the dentist, then of course I should go. But wait, why would the enemy tell me not to go to the dentist? That didn’t make sense. Why would the Holy Spirit tell me not to go? Unfortunately that made more sense because I didn't have the money to pay to get my tooth fixed. And I had made it my top priority, putting it above helping a loved one.
I had been meditating on Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. (NKJV)
For months I'd been reading this verse, writing this verse, speaking this verse, thinking this verse. And so I decided to live the verse; to go to work and forget the dentist for now. To trust the still small voice of the Lord.
It was difficult to talk to people and I wonder what they thought of my ugly tooth. I tried to make light of it, like it was no big deal and I’d get to the dentist at some point; like it was not my top priority. Every time I spoke to someone who I had not seen since it broke I was conscious of it and wondered what it looked like to them. Some told me it wasn’t even noticeable. I wished I could say the same. I was constantly aware of the jaggedness; my tongue was always running over it to the point the tip of my tongue became sore day one. But the minor discomfort was nothing compared to the constant self conscious feeling when I would talk to people.
By no coincidence that week I was invited to join a women’s group that meets on Wednesday’s called Holy Spirit Gathering; a group of Christian women who believe in Jesus Christ and His promise to send us a helper, the Holy Spirit. (John 14:26) I had thoughts that the Lord would miraculously grow a new tooth for me during our time of prayer. That meeting I was prayed over and one spoke words that I would carry with me for months, that this tooth would not stop me from smiling. My tooth did not miraculously grow that day but I believed that it would one day.
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| Mankato, MN |
I did not see at the time that I wanted God to not only fix my problem but do it the way I wanted Him to do it and when I wanted Him to do it. I did not see that my pride was getting in the way because truly trying to control God is pride. I was not trusting God with all my heart, only part of it.
James 4:6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud. But gives grace to the humble.” (NKJV)
September 22, 2013 Word of Faith Dominion Church, Pastor Steve Johnson led a healing service that day. He instructed the congregation that he would preach but any time someone felt lead by the Holy Spirit for healing to stand and he would come to them and pray, he said some people he would have speak. So the first lady stood, brave soul, he went to her and prayed quietly and then he went on teaching about Jesus’ healing ministry, I think, I don’t really remember what he spoke. At some point I felt I should stand. I met Pastor Steve in the isle and told him about my tooth. He brought me to the front where I spoke to the congregation, telling them of my tooth, leaving out the part about how it was broken in the first place, but emphasizing that I felt the Lord had instructed me to not go to the dentist. He prayed over me and again, I expected my tooth to be miraculously healed and again it was not.
As time passed and I didn’t see any change, doubt crept in at times. But the Lord was working on healing more than just a broken tooth.
Journal Entry Oct 6, 2013 Sunday 13:45
Val (at Holy Spirit Gathering) had given me the packet on the Seven Steps to Freedom and we’d planned on talking about the process but that didn’t happen. I started feeling like I didn’t want to wait for whenever someone else would be available to walk me through it so Friday morning during my prayer time, I started going through it on my own, well with the help of the Holy Spirit of course. God is using this time to reveal some things from my past. Like vanity and a desire for others to look at me with envy. And my broken tooth helped me make that connection. Because the desire to have my tooth whole is purely vain. It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t prevent me from feeding my face, it is pure vanity. And there are times that I don’t care what my broken tooth looks like but there are other times I wonder if I look like a meth addict. So this morning I repented of vain thoughts and feelings and I know I need Jesus to lay my vanity to rest because I cannot do it on my own.
Definition of vanity: the quality of people who have too much pride in their own appearance, abilities, achievements, etc. Something (such as a belief or a way of behaving) which shows that you have too much pride in yourself, your social status, etc.
This is good for me to look at. That was me 10-11 years ago. Totally after Ted and I were divorced and I started taking QiGong lessons. I was full of pride, full of vanity until my world came crumbling down around me and it was purely my own doing. I had rejected Jesus and accepted a false spirituality that led me to disaster. I thank God my pit did not bring me lower than it did and I believe I owe that to the prayers, the faithful prayers of my parents and others, and God who answered of course.
Is this tooth thing pure vanity now? I don’t think I’m as vain as I used to be, but does a little linger? Lord I repent of any vain thoughts and vain actions, I repent of thinking more highly of myself than I should. Forgive me Father in the name of Jesus, thank you Father for Your forgiveness. Amen. (end journal entry)
October 2013 was a month of much repentance for me as I went through the Seven Steps of Freedom. It was not easy to look back on all my past wrongs, bring them to the Lord for forgiveness and healing but the hardest by far was when the Lord prompted me to confess a lie I’d told to many people in the early 90’s. I don’t care to reveal that lie here; the point is the Lord gave me the courage and strength to confess the lie to those I’d betrayed. I was blessed to find each one forgave me and I was released from the guilt and shame of the lie I told.
That month Chad and I had been asked by one of the church deacons if we would like to be greeters one Sunday a month and we said yes. November 10th, 2013 was our first day of greeting at the church. We arrived an hour before the service was to start and I was surprised by the number of members already at the church, the worship team was already practicing. We put on our pins labeled greeters and stationed ourselves at the door. I enjoyed seeing everyone arrive and extending a hand of welcome with a smile. It wasn’t until later in the day I realized it was the first time I could remember smiling at people and not thinking about my broken tooth.
Right before the service was to begin a woman came in, I recognized her but didn’t know her name. She said, “I have to talk to you.” She took my hands and pulled me to a corner and told me that day I spoke in the church over a month ago about my tooth, she felt a stirring. It grew stronger as time passed and then she said, “I want to fix your tooth.” I thought, is she a dentist? Then she said, “Who is your dentist?” I told her and she said to make an appointment and send the bill to her. I was stunned. She said, “Praise God!” I said, “Yes, praise God.” Although I didn’t feel it at first, I was so blown away. I should not have been because I had faith the Lord would take care of this but to be honest I’m ashamed to admit, I was a little disappointed because that is not how I thought the Lord would do it. Pride.
After church she gave me her name and phone number with a note that said, smile Jennifer, Jesus never fails! Amazing, she had practically given me a blank check because she was following the Holy Spirit and loving the way Jesus loves, selflessly. But I did not immediately make a dentist appointment; I was still struggling with control and calling it trying to be led by God. I thought maybe I should ask for x-rays because then the dentist could see my tooth is growing; it would be proof of what I believed, as if my thoughts and feelings are higher than God. I was not ready to let go and let God. I still wanted to be in control. Pride. I trusted the Lord only as far as having faith that He would do things my way; I was not to the point of letting Him direct my path.
I was no longer in a hurry to get my tooth fixed. I was thankful to the Lord for His forgiveness and healing of vanity which is a form of pride. But it took another month for me to fully humble myself enough to accept another person’s gift to me. You see I had deceived myself into thinking I was waiting to be sure this was God’s path when reality was I was still holding onto pride. I did not want God to use someone else to fix my problem. It wasn’t until a friend reminded me that Christians are the hands and feet of God; that this woman who was giving me the finances to fix my tooth, she was the hands and feet of God.
Then Chad told me he had been speaking to a friend of ours who is not living for the Lord that he believed the reason we were being given this money was because we’d been faithful to tithe, that we were getting back what we’d given. How we always got back what we gave and then some. I realized the Lord was using this to minister not only to Chad and I but also to our friends about how His kingdom finances operate.
Malachi 3:10 “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try me now in this,” says the Lord of hosts. “If I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.”
Finally I made the dentist appointment and was given two options, another temporary cap for a couple hundred dollars or a permanent crown which cost around a thousand. I brought the options to the generous donor who told me to choose the permanent fix. Praise the Lord! I was finally in a humble position to truly praise the Lord. And I received a whole new tooth, just as I prayed for, and all it cost me was vanity and pride, which despite my stubbornness, I don’t want anyway. So I am thankful to the Lord for His answer. I am thankful to the donor for obeying the Lord and being the hands and feet of Jesus. I am grateful that I know the Lord will pour abundant blessings upon her as well.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.
I learned that trusting the Lord is having faith He will answer our prayers, in His time and in His way, which is always the best path. Believing the Lord will answer our prayers is faith, believing we direct the path he has set us upon is pride. I know the Lord could have healed my tooth in the miraculous way I wanted Him to; it’s not that He didn’t have the ability to do it. He chose to lead me upon the path that would heal much more than my tooth. Thank you Lord.
